bitch i'm back on my grizzy.

okay so today a few things inspired me to start blogging again but the main thing was the fact that i really miss it.

there's about 26 days until graduation and shit is about to get real....crazy. icantwaitforUDelaware.

so yeah, here I am, about to be a high school graduate. i already have plans of the parties i'm attending this summer and i already bought two new dresses needed for the bad girl behavior i will be partaking in; oh yeah and i'm single and taking over the fuckin city.

(being in a relationship was great until i realized all the extra stuff that came with it, which wasn't so great; there was miscommunications, going separate ways, and we just need some time apart; we'll get back together but not anytime soon.)

SO UNTIL THEN....i've regained my freedom and i'm back at "it."

It took me some time to re-realize my worth and understand that my happiness should always come first. Which was a shame and very unexpected for a self-centered person like myself, but hey...shit happens.

As for school, it's exam week and i'm not stressed at all because i just keep thinking about going back to Philly on friday for two weeks. The girls here annoy me just at the sight of their faces and their phoniness is more apparent than ever. So i stay to myself. In my room, txting, playing the sims, and sleeping....dreaming of the happier times in Philly. I know who and where my friends are and they aren't in the woods of Oldfields.

so fck all you hoes.

woosahh. ah, i missed this little box where i just ramble about any and everything. i applied for like 30+ jobs yesterday cuz i was so fuckin bored. this summer i refuse to be broke. pretty girls should never be broke. so yeah, hopefully someone calls me back. i even applied to work at a martial arts camp. like wtf. those little 8 year olds will probably be kicking my ass.

maybe i should actually study a little bit for my french exam tomorrow, and oh yeah, i applied to work at a french immersion camp, too... so maybe its a good idea that i sharpen up my vocabulary.

ALLONS-Y.

ah, seriousHIATUS

so i know, i know i've been MIA.
yeah in lots of action.
there's this thing called college applications. then my time has also been dedicated to keeping the grades up to par. and then keeping my relationship in one piece. and also finding a medium between dance class and my sore ass muscles.

yeah, i'm taking dance lessons at school now. i like modern and jazz and they have allowed me to be able to do a perfect toe touch now. however...ballet....not my twist. my feet freakin hurt so much.

yeah i really do miss typing in this little box and having this free space to type and go on and on and on yet i have some other things to do tonight so unfortunately i have to abandon you once again, my beloved blog.....but not for long. this time, i promise. i'll be back. and better than ever.

PS: i'm no longer smash. but i don't have a new name yet. lol.
yeah, can you believe i've changed soo much. its kinda freakin me out.

BTW: Congrats to me on being accepted in to Drexel U's class of 2014! ahhh. i'mgoingtocollege!

comingCLEAN.

so i found this really cool book in the library called coming clean. its just a compilation of many ppl's confessions that they've posted on dailyconfessions.com.....kinda like fmylife.com.

i kinda like reading what dumb shit people do. but here's a few crazzzy ones:

• Art Teacher Okay so last night while i was preparing dinner, my husband surprised me with two tickets to Bermuda. The problem is he booked it for the same weekend as my son's school carnival. I am in charge of baked goods, so i told him to try and reschedule. he was not happy about my request and threatened to go on without me. My confession is that I hope he does because I am planning on fucking my son's art teacher at the carnival. oh wow.

• Umbrella Boy My ex and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, we had a house together, and were happily engaged. That is until we had this huge fight when he told me he was moving out and walked to the door with his umbrella. I got so angry that i kicked his leg and he tripped down the stairs, and the umbrella pierced his left testicle. I then called the ambulance. Once the doctor checked him our, he told him that he needed to get it removed. i still can't believe that he had to get his testicle cut off because of me. And then we got back together. lmfaoooooooo. he'll never forget her.

chapters 1-9.

i've gotten pretty far in my reading of Don't Sweat The Small Stuff over the past two days. i've read 9 chapters and i've gotten a lot out of them.

1. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff well, duh this would be the first chapter since its the title of the book. one thing in this chapter that really stood out to me was when he pointed out that so many ppl spend so much of their life energy "sweating the small stuff" that they completely lose touch with the magic and beauty of life. enough said.
2. Make Peace with Imperfection highlight of the chapter: "rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what's wrong with something and our need to fix it." what i take from this is that there is NO NEED to be perfect. and this makes me think about the definition of perfect. it varies from person to person even though perfection can never be fully achieved. FOCUSING ON IMPERFECTION PULLS US AWAY FROM OUR GOAL OF BEING KIND AND GENTLE. wooohsahhh. the solution to this is to catch yourself when you fall into the habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. relax and go with the flow.
3. Let Go of the Idea that Gentle, Relaxed People can't be Superachievers blah. this section didn't have much meaning to me.
4. Be Aware of the Snowball effect of Your Thinking teaching yourself how to control how quickly your negative and insecure thinking can spiral out of control is a key element in retaining peace within yourself. i know many times if i'm unsure of something, i become a little pessimist, and start to think that everything and all of mankind is failing. but now i know that this can be controlled by worrying only about what needs to be worried about. focus on the problem at hand, if any. and if there isn't a problem, don't make one.
5. Develop Your Compassion when i first looked at the title i was like blahhh blahh BS. yeah the world loves compassionate people, but I worry about myself. but from this chapter i've learned that compassion involves two things: INTENTION and ACTION. intentionally open your heart to others and expand your range of what and who matters. The action portion is simply what you do about it. compassion develops your sense of gratitude. when you take time to reflect on the miracle of life, it reminds you that many of the things you see as big stuff is simply small stuff that you turn into big things.
6. Remind Yourself that When You Die, Your "In Basket" Won't Be Empty
7. Don't Interrupt Others or Finish Their Sentences
8. Do Something Nice for Someone Else- and Don't Tell Anyone About It

soulsearching.

for the next week, i'm practicing buddhism. yeah, practicing a new religion.
well, not really practicing yet exploring.

i'm checking two books out of the library which will serve as my bibles and guidebooks for the few weeks.

1. Don's Sweat The Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff by Dr. Richard Carlson "simple ways to keep the little things from taking over your life......"
2. Meditation-A Beginners Guide by Charlotte Parnell

so yeah, i'm pretty excited. and i'm abadoning facebook/myspace during my quest so i'll have a better focus on myself and not who's doing what, where, and why.

i think my whole idea of doing this comes from the fact that over the past week so much has been bothering me that it's time to just relax, reflect, and move on.

There's 100 chapters in my don't sweat the small stuff book so everyday when i read a chapter, i'll summarize what i've learned from it here. so here i go.....

illness.

i'mfeelingalittleA LOTundertheweather.
blah...school has been pretty dull today.
just got outta AP English and didn't understand anything. All i remember is something about Plato and an allegory he wrote about society and something about a cave. yeah.

next i have AP french, and i didn't do my homework b/c i felt like i was dying last night. but i'm about to go to extra help period so she can assist me in completing what i didn't understand.

i was gonna go bowling tonite, but i'll spend the evening studying for my anatomy chapter test which is on monday. yay anatomy. but right now, my anatomy is really failing me. my cardoivascular system to be exact.

i'm listening to Party Life by Jay-Z right now, and its kinda puttin me to sleep.........ZzzzZZzzz.
i'm out.

bittersweet; it's gonna be the death of me.

yesterday was pretty.....bittersweet, as you probably can tell from the title. so i started my morning off pretty shitty. i woke up late because i went to bed late. then i couldn't find my planner. ask any boarding school student, your planner is your life. so i felt pretty lost without it. so i had to continue my morning not knowing what classes i had today or what meetings i was potentially missing. after my first period class, which was AP biology, i had senior seminar which consisted of "typical-college-prep" and what not to do in college stuff. blahhblahhblahhh. the rest of my classes went pretty normal up until volleyball practice. i was so sore b/c we had a game before and then yesterday we were told we have another game again today. yay os volleyball. its so tiring tho. my lunch time was dedicated to a meeting with the ECOteam, which is our school's go-green committee. I'm the only student on the committee so i'm the one that has to give all of the imput from a student's perspective so it was pretty exhausting for me.

after sports i spent a good hour on the phone with my boyfriend, catching up on the things i'm missing at home. i didn't get into the shower until 6, and then i remembered that the senior dinner was tonight. shit. so then i hastily got dressed, slapped on some make-up and a bright smile and was off. after dinner the senior class went to the head's house for dessert. at first i grabbed a slice of the chocolate cake but then my pickiness kicked in because it wasn't as moist as i wanted it to be so i opted for the key lime pie which was delicious. then we began to say one weird fact about ourselves that we never told anyone....and i've found out some pretty interesting things about my classmates. then everything got all sad and emotional. besides all the work and commitments i have to attend to, it still hasn't sank in that i'm a senior. and we began to reminisce on all the memories we had of one another and i began to realize this will no longer be my "home" in a few months. but it'll be a bittersweet goodbye because then comes college, and then the real life i've been preparing for for so long. and then things got better because when i got back to my room and started my french homework, my planner fell out of my binder. it was a sign that things were gonna be okay ;-)

i think my new nickname is gonna be squirrel.

lol :)